I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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