I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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