She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
