I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
