if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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