I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
