Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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