She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
