What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
