moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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