I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
