I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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