it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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