Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
