Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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