Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
