And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
