I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
