apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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