Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
