my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
