dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
