I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
