I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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