Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
