if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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