Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
