I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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