all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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