Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
