So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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