Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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