I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
