are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
