Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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