Your face is a jimmy john
I just made out with a guy for $7.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Houston, we have a blender
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
