2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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