Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
