I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
