bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
