The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
