Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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