I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
