you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize