Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
