Have you finally orgasmed yet?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
