in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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