she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
