So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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