i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
