The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
