I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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