Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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