last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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