Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
