ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
