"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
