my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize