Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
