I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
how does that bad decision feel?
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