Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
